I was always a boom boom gal.
If it has a cool beat, I like it. If I can shake my money-maker or boogie with my babies to it, I like it. Most importantly, if one of my buddies wrote it, I like it.
But I am not solely a lyrics gal. Unlike the former Mrs. Gore, I am the person least likely to be in an exercise class and realize I am singing, "Whip me up, whip me down. Love me, Mister, til I hit the ground." (Yeah, I made those lyrics up because I just can't remember whether it was "Like a Virgin" or "Maneater" or what-the-hussie-tune that pissed the Tipp off was.) In an exercise class all I can remember are three little numbers: 9 - 1 - 1.
Here's the thing about lyrics. They are all about breakups. ALL of them, in every musical style, across the eons, across languages and even "Louie Louie".
You think "Follow the Yellow Brick Road", "Puff the Magic Dragon", and "Gin and Juice" are about drugs? Drugs taken due to a breakup, I tell ya.
"Listen to the Music", "Play that Funky Music, White Boy", and the hiiiiiiiills are alive with the "Sound of Music"? Music about breakups, that is.
"How Great Thou Art", "The Old Rugged Cross", and "Amazing Grace"? Should all be subtitled, "Thanks for sticking by me, God, while I snot down my shirt in pathetic, heartbroken self-pity."
Ladies and Gentleman, I have my sense of humor back. But I would be laughing a LOT harder if somebody could make the heartache songs 14 decibels lower than every other song played in the cars beside me, the restaurants, and that little phonograph in my mind.
Gotta go. I am surfing free wifi at a bar and the band's about to start. And I know for a fact that their opening number is not... Aw damn. Not fast enough.
"How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You". Ouch.
You say, "That is not about a breakup! That's a sweet love song." Yeah, just don't say the words "Carly Simon" or "Kathryn Walker" anywhere near Sweet Baby James while he sings it. (Yeah, I did look that second one up.)
Just this once couldn't they give me a rousing rendition of "I'm Looking for a Job and Trying to Lose Weight but I Just Want Onion Rings and Peanut M&M's"? THAT I could dance to.
Oh, sweet Mother of God. "If I Could Change the World" is rolling out now. Bye y'all.