Ransom Note

Dear Bliss Failure,

We have taken custody of your happiness. Your neglect of it was unconscionable. We will not disclose its location. If you want it, get off your sorry procrastinating selfish lard butt and find it.

Some of our members insist on giving you hints as to its hiding place. The rest of us think that if you are so dim as to not know the location of your own happiness, you don’t deserve to find it. Our Chaplain overruled reason by pointing out that your sense of direction may be obscured by your suffering. Bleeding heart, that one. Fine. Here are a few hints.

Your contentment is on the move because you don’t deserve to find it easily after your blunders with that relationship a few years back, your lackadaisical approach to saving for retirement, and what you’ve done to your body.

Seek it out in places both quiet and rowdy, in critters and cretins, tomes and movements. If you do not search for it, work for it, consider it, and value it… we will eat it all up.

We will return what is yours sooner if you are willing to dance, even if only in the privacy of your own home. Otherwise you got to do it the hard way, suckah.

Assistance of others is a non-negotiable term of our surrendering your delight back to you. Friends, lovers, family, strangers are all welcome. No police.

We are giving you plenty of time to come looking - but should we discover you have spent that time surfing the net, gossiping, Facebook stalking, watching porn, buying lottery tickets, or looking in the mirror while making disparaging comments about your appearance – we will take your happiness on a lovely hike complete with picnic and sunset marveling and never bring it back.

There is no monetary ransom because you can’t buy happiness, you dumbass.

These are our conditions.

Hugs and kisses,

The Suffering Resistance Front, Central Virginia Chapter

Holy Lessons at Lenten End - no, not exactly

I learned this stuff this week. What did you do?

* Go to the damn support group. Are you listening to me? Do it. We all are working through something. Get out there, listen to someone else, admit your imperfections, and go try life again. Mine is a bereavement support group. We meet Tuesdays at 5:30. 

* Independent radio, public broadcasting, documentaries, museums and Wes Anderson movies are good for you. I swear. And when they don't meet your needs, let them know. Thanks to my 8 year old daughter, the independent radio listeners of RVA were treated to the mellifluous sounds of Ron Jeremy crooning the Miley Cyrus ear worm "Wrecking Ball" this morning. How can you ever risk missing an experience like that? (Praise Buddha - she thinks Jeremy is a professional comedian.)

* Any phone app that suggests its owner has PMS was created by evil spirits and should be deleted immediately. Followed by the ceremonial eating of a white chocolate and cashew cookie.

* Whatever your religious or spiritual leanings - your world perspective is better when hanging with my LGBTQM Lenten Book Group. M stands for My goofy tail and if you think we are talking Christian dogma -we think you had an unfortunate head injury and wish you speedy recovery.

* After a terrible day, someone you love really does want to be with you and doesn't mind that you aren't a glowing, charming ball of happiness. And you don't have to keep apologizing. (Haven't really learned that second one but I like the way it looks on the page.)

* The parenting pickle: your child has been grounded since what feels like the Reagan era. On the last day before Spring Break he wants his best friend who gets exceptional grades and is never grounded to come over. And you do need help getting some things into the attic. What to do, what to do. (Yeah, they are on the front porch right now and the attic is a bit fuller.)

* The best friends are the ones that are impossible to discern whether they are a friend of yours or your kids. Until they pop open a beer.

* When a dying man who can barely breathe asks you about your beliefs on Jesus and you have a view considered heretical in some circles (mostly just Christian ones), take a deep breath and tell him the truth, no matter what it is. Nobody wants to be lied to at the end of their life. And what's the worst thing that can happen? Never mind. Try not to think about that.

* There are very limited circumstances in which the lyrics of the Gap Band make any sense. For greatest clarity, play on a Spring Friday afternoon at 5:00 PM. "Say, Oops up side your head..." makes no more sense then but you can dance or hula hoop to it.

Gotta' go hula hoop now...

Elation and Deflation - Oooh!!

I had one of those moments the other day that only movies with inspirational soundtracks have. Then I had a moment out of "The Three Stooges". And then I had a whole series of moments that, for better or worse, are only possible in my life. And you people wonder why I eat so many Peanut M&M's. It's the unpredictability of it all, man. Makes me twitchy.

Let us begin with my moment of sheer stunning glory:

Thanksgiving

First holiday away from my children. Ugh. First holiday when I get to talk to other people about their first holidays away from their children. Not half bad.

Martha's Meditation

Yes, I sleep in a tent in the heart of the city. Yes, my family is changing. And yes, life is still life. People are still getting married. People are still dying. Yesterday I officiated a wedding and attended a funeral. Today I have a memorial service for a friend and mentor.

Since few of my readers will be at her service, I am including the closing meditation here. Martha was a damn funny gal, smart as a whip, and could dish out a tongue lashing to prove it. Meanwhile, she was quite ill for many years and gave assistance to a huge network of women, the full extent of which remains her secret.

Here is what I will say. It is as close to Martha's voice as I could muster...

Instead of Losing Weight...

I have decided to take a class to re-design this blog and fix my broken one.

"What broken one?" you ask.

Exactly.

I find it fascinating (which is sometimes spelled h-o-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g) that I would rather spend money on a blogging class than go to a gym. But I will feel so much better about going to a bar after this than I would after the gym.