In an effort to look on the bright side, I have decided to view my punctuality issues as a gift.
There are many of you who are no doubt plagued with the curse of habitually being on time, or worse - early. You have been looking for a savior. I am here for you. Follow my simple tips and you will never find yourself seeing all the previews, getting the best seats, or waiting for others again.
(Caution: These steps do not work for Germans or Swedes who seem to be wired for punctuality. Even I am on time in Berlin.)
Part A - Sleeping Late
1. Have intricate nightmares all night long.
2. Be in possession of a bladder over 40 years of age.
3. Share your sleeping space with a spoiled pet.
4. Become a nocturnal worrier.
5. When you wake up 20 minutes before your alarm - turn it off and roll back over.
6. Sleep on a futon - It's like a cracker covered in sheets.
7. Put Texas Pete on your supper.
8. Fall in love with someone who has/does any of the above and share their bed.
Part B - Primping and Preening
1. Frontload all the day's work into your least energetic hour: shower, meds, meal, make-up all before 8 AM.
2. Make the morning the only time you look in the mirror all day so that the sight of your aging face at 7AM keeps you staring in shock and disbelief while the minutes tick away.
3. Make to-do lists while in the shower. This ensures that bathing is always a two-part process as you have to turn the water back on to rinse out the forgotten conditioner or shave the forgotten leg/cheek.
4. Develop a love for sterling silver jewelry but don't polish it ahead of time. Store the polishing cloth somewhere clever. Keeps your mind sharp.
5. Never consider what you will eat until the refrigerator door is open.
6. Never consider what you will wear until the closet door is open.
7. Never consider what you need to take with you for the day until you are walking out the door.
8. Wear Spanx or pantyhose or a tie-it-yourself bowtie but never a watch.
Part C - Driving
1. Make sure not to drive with a full tank of gas.
2. Always store your keys in a different spot. Keeps your mind sharp.
3. Make sure any refreshments in an auto are stain-producing.
4. Listen to great music so you can drive past your exit. Twice.
5. GPS is for cowards.
6. Do not buy a smart tag/EZ Pass. Toll takers live to see your smiling face as you grope under the floor mat for a quarter.
7. Do not improve your parallel parking skills.
Part D - Work
1. Once your day has really begun and you are finally awake, be sure to turn your full attention to Facebook, Twitter, news feeds, and YouTube.
2. Spend your productive time reconsidering all the choices you made before you got to work because those shoes really don't match anything else.
3. Start your workday off by catching up with someone you love.
4. If a task takes 90 minutes to complete, start it 60 minutes before your lunch meeting.
5. Open email.
6. Make a to-do list.
7. Put your to-do list somewhere clever. Keeps your mind sharp.
8. Get really productive. I always do my best work when I am supposed to be somewhere else and have completely forgotten about that obligation.
9. Have three different calendars.
Part E - Socializing
1. Take everything you need out of your wallet a couple of times a week and put it some place clever. Keeps your mind sharp.
2. Don't talk to your favorite people for a month at a time, then schedule a 45 minute lunch with them at a really busy restaurant.
3. Make sure you check Facebook all day long. You look like a goober when someone says, "Didn't you see that picture of an avocado that looks like the Pope? It's all over Facebook.!"
4. Be sure to go to the place where you know everyone when you have the least amount of time.
5. Schedule yourself a fun day with friends requiring three complete wardrobe changes.
6. Pick friends who are great about remembering birthdays and special events. This way you can always be scrambling at the last minute to wrap whatever piece of crap you found at the drugstore while picking up your meds that have been ready for five days.
7. Never order the special.
Part F - As Your Day Winds Down
1. Always schedule an obligation at whatever evening hour you are completely useless. For me that is 4:30 - 10:00 PM.
2. Say "Yes!" all day long but don't write down whatever you agree to. All together now, "Keeps you mind sharp!"
3. Find a favorite TV show. This guarantees that you will never make it home in time to watch it or never make it out of the house the evening it is on.
4. Eat chocolate after 5 PM. Have that post-prandial coffee. Another Diet Coke? Yes, please!
5. This is the time of day to get ready for tomorrow. Solve Sudoku instead.
6. 9:30 PM is the ideal time to notice what a mess this room is. Get to cleaning now!
7. Don't ever look at your evening plans until you are mired in some situation that will be nearly impossible to extricate yourself from. Like salsa lessons with an octopus. Or an intervention.
Part G - If All Else Fails...
1. Have children.
2. Develop a chronic illness that makes you feel like crap 75% of the time.
3. Start a blog